I Know
by Erika
Summary: Life after Hogwarts is difficult for Remus - his way is barred by prejudice and cruelty that surprise even Sirius who is the most familiar with his friend’s plight.
1. If You Asked Me To Stay

Hi everyone! This is it, the last of my fanfiction. It's a short/medium length story that I'm dividing into parts only for ease of reading based on some comments people have made on similar length stories that I've posted in the past. I'll post the next section in a few days. Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

**Title:** I Know

**Author:** Erika

**Rating:** PG-13 (one use of the f word)

**Summary:** Life after Hogwarts is difficult for Remus – his way is barred by prejudice and cruelty that surprise even Sirius who is the most familiar with his friend's plight.

**Timeframe:** Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter have recently graduated from Hogwarts.

**Spoilers:** None for HP, though I do refer back to several of my previous stories.

**Category:** POV, kind of melancholy

**Disclaimers:** Hogwarts and all of its characters belong to JK Rowling, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed =0). I'm making no money from this and this is written for entertainment purposes only. Any characters that are not recognizable as being part of the HP universe belong to me, but you guys probably figured that out, right?

**Feedback:** Both positive feedback and _constructive_ criticism are greatly appreciated and will be cherished!

**Archive:** Please ask first. =)

**Author's Note: **This is sort of a follow-up on "Watching the Horizon" but all you really have to know is that Remus' mom and grandmother died at the beginning of that story. There might be small mentions to the other HP stories I've written but I've tried my best to explain everything you need to know for this story within the story itself. If you have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me!

**I Know**

**Sirius:**

**If You Asked Me To Stay**

"Remus?" I called out as I Apparated into the living room of the flat we shared. "Things were crazy at–" I stopped short when I noticed James sitting on the couch, casually sipping a bottle of beer. "Oh. I didn't expect you'd be here yet."

"Lily and I only just arrived a couple minutes ago," he informed me. "Remus isn't here."

"That's odd," I remarked, removing my jacket and chucking it onto the lazy chair that Remus' uncle Ian had given us. "Remus only had to work until noon." _For once_. "He said he'd be here when I got back." I sighed. Remus had been increasingly melancholy as of late. He'd taken to disappearing for hours at a time and always seemed depressed. I was used to him being quiet and withdrawn when the full moon neared but that was still three weeks away. Honestly, I was concerned.

"Maybe he had to run out and get something?" James suggested distractedly, not seeming worried. Remus was so reliable that it probably hadn't occurred to him that he might simply not join us. While I knew that our friend thought it very important to support James and Lily tonight, he'd been so desolate that I wouldn't be surprised if this prior commitment slipped his mind.

"Hm," I murmured noncommittally.

"Hello, Sirius," Lily greeted me pleasantly as she emerged from the kitchen. "Busy day at work?" She was wearing a full-length black dress and a necklace that brought out the red in her thick, wavy hair.

I smiled, "Hi. You look lovely. And yeah, it was hectic," I gave a tired half-laugh. "Some fool tried to cast a shrinking charm on his overgrown trees but it went badly. The trees went wild. We're still not quite sure how it happened," I shook my head bemusedly. "Anyway, the bloody things used their branches to capture the man and take over his property. By the time someone informed the Ministry, they'd spread through the entire neighborhood, devouring all the homes in a mess of wood and leaves."

Lily gave a little chuckle but I could tell she was troubled, probably worrying about tonight. Poor thing. "I'll never understand how people can mangle their spells so badly. Did you get everything all sorted out?"

"In a manner of speaking. There are now no trees in the neighborhood at all. Obliviators are still modifying the memories of the Muggles that were trapped in their homes for nearly a week. Not sure how they'll explain the lack of trees… Anyway," I continued before they could comment, "Just let me take a quick shower and throw on some decent clothes and then we can go. Hopefully Remus will be back in a few minutes."

"You'd better hurry," James urged me after checking the time, "We're supposed to be there in less than fifteen minutes."

"Yeah, I know," I said, heading towards my bedroom, "It won't take me long."

My shower consisted of little more than rinsing off. Quickly toweling the water from my body, I pulled on a pair of very dark blue jeans and began searching my closet for the blue-grey shirt I was planning to wear. James, Remus, and I had never met Lily's parents and she'd stressed the importance of looking our best and making a good impression. She'd become rather imploring in her clothing suggestions and I'd had to assure her that I'd let Remus approve my outfit. Unfortunately, I had no idea what I'd done with the shirt we'd agreed upon.

"James?" I called out into the living room. "Is Remus back yet?"

"Not that we know of," Lily answered. "Are you nearly ready?"

"Nearly." Lily was very nervous about tonight. _No one_ knew her family. The rehearsal dinner was fast approaching but she wanted them to have a chance to get to know James' before then, especially since there wouldn't be many Muggles at the ceremony. With the way she'd been going on about it, I was expecting tonight to be a disaster in the making.

I sighed. She'd skin me with her bare hands and serve my hide fried if I didn't look nice.

Maybe Remus had borrowed the shirt? It wasn't something he usually did but if he had a job interview he might have wanted to look nicer than his rather shabby clothes allowed. Hastily, I stepped into his room and headed toward the closet. I'd nearly made it there when I caught a vague motion in the corner of my eye. Turning to his bed, I was surprised to see him sitting on the mattress with his back against the wall and his knees drawn up. Although his eyes weren't closed, they did not seem to be focused on anything either. He was staring blankly into the space ahead. He looked weary and sad.

"Remus?" I questioned softly. "James and Lily are in the living room, waiting to go. Are you all right?"

He looked at me but didn't answer. I got the impression that he could not think of words to express himself.

Worried, I examined him more closely. His emerald eyes were dull and there were dark circles around them. Though his face was mostly unreadable, he seemed listless and forlorn. It was as if all the sadness that had drifted to the surface over the last few weeks was overwhelming his control. I approached him but before I could say anything else, Lily and James entered the room, no doubt having heard me speak to him.

"Remus!" James sounded a little annoyed and I shot him a dark look. I understood that Lily's nervousness had worn off on him and that he, too, wanted tonight to go as smoothly as possible but I wished he'd be more observant and sensitive. "When did you get here? We're going to be late… You're not wearing that, are you?"

Remus was in his usual worn-down and distinctively non-Muggle robes. Sighing almost inaudibly, he scooted off the bed and faced James and Lily. It was difficult to tell but amidst his despondency I thought I saw a trace of nervous pleading. "I'm not – I'm not going. I can't– I'd just ruin everything. You want to have fun and I'd– I'd not– Please…. I can't."

He wanted to offer his excuses to our friends and I swallowed at how much trouble he was having in the attempt. Normally rather articulate, this halting, half-whispered, nonsensical explanation was almost painful for me to hear. What was wrong? How had I let it get this far?

"What?" James demanded, "We've been–"

Lily placed an arm on James' shoulder and he fell silent, shooting her an inquisitive look. She was obviously quite worried, having no doubt noticed some of what I had. Her green eyes were both sympathetic and understanding and I suppressed a grateful smile. "What is it, Remus?" she asked quietly, stepping toward him.

Silence greeted her inquiry and I thought he meant not to answer. Nearly a minute passed before he opened his mouth and even then his words were so muted that it took me a few seconds to work out what he'd said.

"It is… _was_…my mum's birthday today," he told us. "I'm sorry," he added quickly. "I wanted to go– Thought I could go…but– It still hasn't been very long and–"

Lily quieted his now unnecessary explanations by removing her hand from James' shoulder and instead taking Remus' hand in hers. "I understand," she assured him, "It's all right."

My eyes fell to the beige carpet. Remus' mum and grandmother had been killed in an Apparating accident. He'd taken his mum's death especially hard and though he was doing much better than five or six months ago, he was still grieving. Obviously his downhearted mood was due to her approaching birthday, which probably only served to remind him of what he'd lost. He'd loved her so very much.

"I'm sorry, Remus," James murmured, "I didn't realize. You should have told us."

I looked up in time to see our friend nod once. "Yes, I know. I just– I really meant to go."

I was reasonably certain that we all understood what he was trying to say. It was important for him to be with his friends on this fairly significant occasion, if only to show his support if things went badly. Though Lily'd never stated it explicitly, we all knew there was bad blood between her and her sister and that it was causing distress for their parents. She really wanted to mend the wayward relationship and hoped that tonight would not serve to only worsen it.

James and Lily both nodded. "Let us know if you need anything," Lily offered kindly.

Remus smiled but there was no joy in his eyes.

"We'll be waiting for you in the living room," James told me as he gave Remus half a smile and turned to go.

Lily leaned forward to place a kiss on Remus' cheek before silently following her soon-to-be husband. As they stepped through the open door, they seemed to share a glance. When James looked at me over his shoulder before disappearing down the hallway, I thought I caught what he was trying to wordlessly convey. It was all right if I wanted to take a few minutes to talk to Remus.

Remus didn't look at me when he sat down again. "You should–" he stopped abruptly, his voice seeming to just die. He did not continue until after he'd taken a deep and rather audible breath. "You should go," but he said the words so softly that there was little force behind the suggestion. "They're waiting."

"Yeah." I glanced down the hallway toward the living room. Was I really supposed to leave him like this? "Will you be all right?"

He made as if to respond but I cut him off because I knew he was going to say 'yes', was going to lie, and I didn't want to hear it. "Don't. I don't ask because it's expected of me or because I don't care about the answer."

At first he seemed to not pay my words any mind but then he took a moment to think before replying. "I don't know," he murmured softly. "It'd gotten better. It wasn't…easy but it was better. And now I feel like I've lost her all over again."

There really wasn't a response I could give to that confession and I was glad that he didn't expect one.

"I used to hope for the pain to go away but I'm not sure it ever will. I don't think I'll ever be able to think about the fact that she's really _gone_ without feeling like some part of me is missing." He finally met my gaze. "Some days are worse than others and some days aren't so difficult. Today's just…harder than most."

"Have you been…to visit her yet?" I asked, remembering the time we'd spend at the cemetery shortly after her burial. He'd remained there for hours, lost in thought, but by the time we'd returned to Hogwarts he had been doing better.

He shook his head. "I…went to see my dad. Just to see how he was doing."

I carefully restrained any negative reaction I might have had to hearing him talk about his dad. Remus' father had treated his son very badly after the incident that had turned him into a werewolf. Although Remus' uncle had urged him to try and mend their relationship, saying there was a lot his nephew simply didn't understand, I'd never been able to comprehend how he could even begin to look past how his father had barely spoken to him for most of his life. Perhaps he was simply kinder and more forgiving than I could ever be.

"How did that go?" I prompted, wanting to prolong this, not wanting to just _go_ when it seemed as if he needed someone to be with.

"I–" he shrugged. "Well enough, considering. He's doing better than I expected and he seemed happy to see me. I think I should…try and see him more often."

"Maybe I could–" I stopped short, glancing at the hallway again. James would be furious if I stayed, he was so nervous about tonight and had specifically asked me to come to make it easier for him. But if I went now the sadness in Remus' eyes would stay with me all night.

"Sirius–" Remus shook his head. "Please go." I wasn't sure if he wanted me to leave or if he was saying it because he knew James and Lily were waiting and he didn't want to cause any problems.

"You're his best friend," he continued before I could think of a reply. "He asked us all to be there but you're the one he's counting on." He sighed. "And I think it'd be better if I was alone."

That was a lie. He was trying to make it easier for me to go. He didn't want to come between James and I and he didn't want James and Lily to be angry with him so he was placing James' request above what he wanted for himself. It was so like him. After all these years he still didn't understand that I valued his friendship just as much as I did James'. They were both equally vital to me but when I took James' dinner against Remus' grief, the former seemed trivial in comparison.

"It might seem like it doesn't matter but this is important to James _and_ Lily. They've been planning it for months. They want to make the best impression possible and her family is expecting James' friends. You promised. You should go." Something about the quiet urgency with which those words were spoken reached me. He didn't really want to be alone but James was his friend. He already felt bad about not being up to going himself and would only feel worse if I stayed on his behalf. The last thing he needed right now was the weight of unnecessary guilt.

"All right, Remus," I conceded. "I'll be back in a few hours."

He nodded, seeming both relieved and resigned at the same time. "Thank you," he murmured. "Tell them I hope it goes well."

Sighing, I went to leave.

"Oh, and that shirt of yours is folded on your chair in the living room," he called after me.

Oh. Right. The shirt. I'd forgotten I was still only half dressed. Turning to thank him, I instead found myself saying something else. He needed to understand. "If you asked me to…" My voice trailed into silence but I trusted he'd hear what I'd left unsaid. I would have stayed if he'd requested if of me.

He smiled. "I know."


	2. You Don’t Have To

Ok, here's the next part. Hope you enjoy. Thanks for the reviews!

**You Don't Have To**

"Remus, you're exhausted," I protested as I watched him rushing to get ready for work. "The full moon was last night. You can't seriously mean to go in."

Remus was hastily packing his lunch but I could see the way his hands trembled as he spread mayonnaise over a piece of bread. Though this full moon hadn't been as bad as some and he had no visible scars, he was pale and weak. It clearly hurt when he walked and he hadn't even had breakfast. He was always so worn out when he came back from work. How did he expect to handle it today?

My friend ignored me as he sloppily closed his sandwich and cut it in half.

"They know you're a werewolf. And you've worked nearly twenty days straight, _twelve hour_ days, I might add. Today's Saturday. Won't they let you–?"

"No," he stated flatly. "It was too hard for me to get this job. I-I can't risk it."

Things had not gone well for Remus since graduation. It had taken him a long time to find someone who would hire him and even when he had it was… Well, honestly, I didn't know what it was. When he'd told me, quietly, almost cautiously, that he'd finally been hired, it'd been with none of the joy I had expected that news to come with. Such had been the resignation in his eyes that I'd not asked him what he'd be doing. Part of it was that I could tell he didn't want me to know and part of if was my own hesitancy to hear it. All I knew was that this job overworked him, barely paid him, was way below his skill level, left him drained and aching, and that it slowly seemed to be sucking the vitality from him.

"Damn it, Remus," my tone was sharp. "I'll never understand how someone so sensible can be so bloody stubborn sometimes. This isn't like you. You know that going in today is a _mistake_."

Remus did not respond. Instead he shoved his sandwich in a paper bag. He _knew_ it wasn't a good idea to work today, that he'd probably be exerting more energy than he could spare. He was probably intent on proving to his employers that it hadn't been a mistake to hire him. He wanted to show them he could work as well and as hard as any 'normal' person as neglecting his own health in the process.

"I'll see you tonight, Sirius." Before I could respond, he Dissapparated.

It was nearly thirteen hours later that Remus returned, Apparating directly to the kitchen. His face was unnaturally white and the circles around his eyes were so dark that it looked as if were smudged with kohl. He was struggling to stay on his feet and it was with great alarm that I noticed the small tremors wracking his too-slender body.

"Are you–" Before I could ask my question, Remus' knees buckled. Though I immediately sprung forward in an attempt to catch him, I was too far away. By the time I reached him he was a crumpled heap on the floor, knees drawn up below his stomach and forehead pressed against the cold beige tiles.

Crouching beside him, I gently took hold of his shoulders and pulled him up into a sitting position. His hand immediately came up to press against his forehead, as if he was trying to soothe away intense pain. I could feel the heat of his skin and the dampness of his sweat as it moistened the cloth of his robes. His shaking intensified and I surmised from his sharp intake of breath when I touched him that he was extremely sore.

"Come on," I urged quietly, "You should lay down."

"I – I don't think I can walk," he confessed hoarsely. "I'm dizzy."

"I'll help you," I assured him. "Close your eyes. Just try to relax."

He did as I suggested, probably too tired to even contemplate protesting. Despite his trembling, his chest rose and fell steadily as he forced himself to take even, deep breaths. Patiently waiting a few minutes for his muscles to lose most of their tension, I kept my hands on his shoulders and hummed indistinctly. When he slowly lowered the hand he'd pressed against his face, I used a levitation charm to take him to his room. Depositing him gently on his bed, I settled him comfortably and pulled the blankets over his body. The fact that he allowed this with no sign of embarrassment spoke of the amount of discomfort he was in. He was the same way directly after the full moons, too tired to protest my fussing over him.

I took a deep breath of air and let it out slowly.

As morning had trailed into afternoon and then into evening and night, I'd known he'd return this way. I'd been ready to berate and criticize and proclaim that I was right in warning him to stay at home but now, when I looked at him this way, I simply lost all the frustration and anger I'd been feeling. He was completely worn out and in terrible amounts of pain. I couldn't be harsh or petty when he was in such a state.

Placing a hand on his arm, I asked if he'd eaten anything other than the sandwich he'd made for lunch. Even when he confessed that he hadn't actually had that, or anything else all day, I made no comment regarding how utterly stupid he had acted and instead told him to rest while I made him something to eat.

"Sirius," he stopped me from going. "You don't have to do this."

I smiled even though his eyes were still closed and he couldn't see me. "I know."

"No…" His words were weak and I could tell he was struggling just to form them. "I mean I – I brought this on myself and you don't have to–"

"I _know_," I repeated more firmly. "I know I don't have to." He was my friend, though. I could no more leave him now than I could after moonset, even if he _had_ made it worse by acting like a fool.

After helping Remus to eat the food I'd prepared for him, I stayed by his side until he fell asleep and watched while the tremors gradually lessened. Then I turned out the light and retreated to my own room. There really wasn't anything else I could do. He'd overworked himself but his symptoms were still the same as the ones that always followed a transformation. He'd just aggravated them. Rest was what he needed.

My friend ended up sleeping through the night and all of the next day, not waking until just before lunch on Monday. At first I'd been concerned but upon considering that he could easily spend a day in bed after a trying transformation I reasoned that it probably was to be expected considering what had happened. I would have contacted his bosses and informed them he'd be out sick for a couple of days but that was impossible since I didn't know where he worked. Hopefully he'd be able to sort everything but considering what he'd done to himself just to be able to work the day after the full moon, I was worried they'd sack him.

Remus did not seem surprised when I told him what day it was. He only sighed and nodded. Then he thanked me for watching over him and told me he was going to take a shower. At first I was concerned that he might still need to stay in bed but was satisfied when I saw him walking with very little obvious discomfort.

The look he gave me when he entered the kitchen to find I'd made lunch for him was worth considerably more than the time and trouble it took me to prepare the meal. His eyes lit up with such gratitude that I smiled at seeing it. He didn't always thank me for the things I did but that didn't mean I was unaware of how much it meant to him.

It wasn't until he was halfway done devouring his plate of food that he stopped abruptly, finally realizing what I knew he eventually would. "Sirius… You didn't go to work today."

"I took a personal day," I explained. "It's the first I've taken since I started. It won't be a problem." Of course I would have taken it even if it _had_ been a problem because I would never have left without making sure Remus was all right.

I thought I saw a look of discomfort on his face but it was gone too quickly for me to be certain. My friend placed his knife and fork on his plate and stared at his food for a long while before answering. "You– I–" He paused and shook his head. I could tell he was at a complete loss for words but instead of trying to gather his thoughts into a coherent statement of some sort, he got up and left the room.

"Remus?" I questioned softly, a little surprised. I'd expected him to tell me that I shouldn't have stayed, that I should have gone to work, and that I didn't need to do half the things I did for him. There would have been little sting in the words though; they would have been filled with some mix of disbelief and gratitude.

When I followed him I found that he was sitting on the couch, a completely unreadable look on his face. "Remus?" I repeated, taking a seat in one of the chairs that was positioned across from the couch.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. It's not what you think."

'Not what you think'? At the moment I didn't know what to think. I was bemused.

"I am grateful. You must know that. But… I just–" He met my gaze, a helpless sort of look in his eyes. "I don't think I can explain."

"You don't have to." I _was_ confused, I had no idea what was bothering him, but I never wanted him to feel like he had to explain himself to me.

He nodded somewhat desolately, his eyes focusing on the floor. Deciding to leave him be, I started to stand but stopped mid-motion when he addressed me again, this time with an apology. "I know I was supposed to have my half of the rent a few days ago but I've been taking flowers to mum's grave and I'm a little short. I'll get paid when I go in again and it should be enough to–"

"Remus," I cut him off, half exasperated and half taken aback. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter. You know it doesn't matter." I didn't need his money, I _never_ needed his money. My uncle Alphard had left me enough to not have to worry about the rent even without a well-paying job, which I had. If Remus weren't so stubborn, I'd gladly take care of his portion of the rent as well. As it was, I had to resort to downright lying to even be of any financial assistance to him.

"It does matter," he insisted, rather sharply. "Sirius…"

I sighed. It mattered to _him_. He didn't want to be 'taken care of'. He wanted to be independent. It wasn't that I didn't understand. I _did_. I just wanted to help. He was intelligent, hard working, and a very good wizard. He should have had his choice of any job but he didn't. He shouldn't have fruitlessly searched for employment for nearly three months after graduating when James, Lily, and I had all been offered jobs within _days_ of receiving the scores for our NEWTs. And the job he'd finally found shouldn't have been one so low paying that buying flowers to put on his mum's _grave_ left him with too little to pay rent. He'd never told me how much he made but hearing him say that he didn't have enough money because of such a trivial thing was just…heartrending. Especially considering how little of the rent he actually paid.

It'd come about near the end of seventh-year, when James and Lily had started looking into getting a flat together. James came from a very wealthy family and had enough money to not have to be concerned with finding a high-paying job. Being an Auror, however, _did _ pay well – even when one was still in training – and James had been surprised to learn that regardless of what profession Lily chose, they'd be able to easily afford a two-bedroom place without going into James' savings.

James had told Remus and I this quite happily but a couple hours later, when Remus had left the room, he'd confessed that he was worried for our friend. He'd never realized how much rent and living expenses amounted to and Remus, having a poor family and being a werewolf, was going to run into difficulties. I'd always known Remus would have trouble finding a decent job but I'd never really thought about where he'd live after graduating. He didn't get along well with his dad and I hated to think that he'd be forced to go home.

It hadn't taken me long to work out a scheme. A few days later I'd told Remus that the complex from which I was renting my flat had two-bedroom places as well and asked him to consider moving in with me. He'd been completely taken aback and rather pleased with the offer. After a few minutes, though, he'd blushed and mumbled that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to make the rent. That was where the lie had come in. Grinning, I'd told him that one of the complex's managers was a friend of mine and that he was giving me a superb discount that he'd offered to extend to the two-bedroom place. I'd then said we'd only have to pay half of what the flat truly rented for and a few days later Remus had agreed to share a place with me. If he ever found out he was only contributing a quarter of the rent he'd be furious and immediately move out.

I knew the deception could not continue forever but I hoped to make it last as long as possible. It wasn't that it'd be the end of our friendship, I knew he would forgive me. No, I hated to think of the kind of place Remus would end up in on the pitiful wages he earned. I'd been to the rundown, cheap wizard neighborhoods. I'd seen the molding, stained walls, the filthy communal lavatories, and the leaking, water-damaged roofs. How could I let him live in one of those places when I could afford to help him stay here?

"It matters." Remus' softly spoken words brought me back to the present.

"Whenever you can get it to me is fine, Remus," I assured him. I hated taking his money. Damn his pride!

"It'll be tomorrow. I'll go in tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have enough."

Something about his statement filled me with uneasiness. He did not seem to be concerned about getting sacked. If that was true, why had he insisted on working after the full moon? Why wasn't he concerned about what would happen when he went back after missing two days? He had _said_ he couldn't take the risk and I had assumed he didn't want them to regret hiring him but… He _hadn't_ done this last full moon. Of course, last full moon had also fallen on a weekend and that had been just before he'd started working an insane amount of hours without taking any days off. Perhaps he'd been lucky enough to have those days off…?

Remus was watching me. He looked uncomfortable, worried. It was as if he'd said something he hadn't meant to and was concerned I'd pick up on it. With alarming certainty, everything clicked and fit perfectly in my mind. His last words had been 'I'm sure I'll have enough' and he'd said something similar a couple of minutes ago.

Damn it! Surely he wasn't that imbecilically thick!

"You didn't – Remus, tell me you didn't – didn't go in after the full moon to make the rent money?" I'd wanted to let things be and not unnecessarily remind him of the mistake he'd made but this wasn't something I could just ignore.

"No, I just – I didn't want them to think they made a mistake when they gave me work," he was quick to reassure me, eyes never leaving mine, but despite their unwavering I knew he'd been _too_ quick in his response and too eager to tell me what he thought might make sense to me.

I scoffed and shook my head. "Made a mistake in hiring you?" my tone dripped with disbelief. "I'm not even sure that's possible. You probably work twice as hard as everyone else and for less money, I'm sure. They can't be paying you overtime." That was something that the Ministry made extraordinarily easy, unfortunately. "I'd say they're getting a great deal out of exploiting you, which they won't be able to do with just about any other employee because most people are protected by the Ministry's labor laws."

When Remus didn't try and counter anything I'd said I knew I was right in surmising that he didn't make minimum wage or get compensated for the fact that he was working over eighty-five hours a week. I also knew he was lying about the reason he'd gone in. "Fear of getting sacked can't be why you went in. They'd be insane to get rid of you and you have to know that."

He swallowed. "It's easy for you to say that. You don't understand what–"

"Remus," I interrupted heatedly, "Don't. You know I try to understand. I've always tried. And if you'd really gone in because of that, I'd accept it. But I know you're lying to me."

"And if I am lying to you?" he demanded testily, "So what? I don't have to explain everything I do to you."

"I'm not saying that you do. But going in right after a transformation was not only stupid but completely unlike you." This wasn't coming out the way I wanted but I couldn't help myself. He'd worked himself half to death so he could pay the _rent_? "You _collapsed_ when you got back and spent _a day and a half_ asleep! I think I have the right to be concerned! And if you're putting yourself in danger for money because you're a few days late on the rent I–"

"You what?" he shook his head, his voice calm and controlled, irritation simmering just below the surface. He was rarely loud in his anger. "What will you do? Lock me up after the next full moon?"

"Of course not!" I forced myself to continue more calmly, "I can't stop you from doing anything, all I can do is try to convince you not to. But…you're weak after a full moon and money just isn't a good enough reason to do something like that to yourself. Not when you know I can afford it."

Finally, he broke our gaze. "You buy everything," he started, sounding considerably more weary. It was as if the frustration simply drained out of him. "The food, anything we might need around the flat… It's a constant reminder that I'm…a werewolf. I _have_ to do this. I _have_ to pay my part of the rent because I _need_ to know that something in my life is _normal_." His voice quavered and was so intensely full of emotion that it practically hung in the air like a wretched fog. "The Ministry has me so tied up in regulations that I can't even apply for a job or work somewhere without disclosing what I am. This…" he gestured vaguely around us, "This is the only thing I have that's not…tainted by my curse. I just need to know that despite everything they do to me, I can still live."

I let out a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. Oh. I never realized. He endured so much, so much pain, so much sadness, so much bigotry, but no matter how much of it I was confronted with, no matter what I witnessed, I was always taken aback when he revealed something else that made his life more difficult than I would ever comprehend. I would never get used to how hard things were for him. I would never get used to how much I took for granted that he had to struggle with everyday. Like the fact that I could afford to take a personal day off from work to look after a friend and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. No wonder he was upset. It was just another reminder of how different things were for him than they were for most other 'normal' people.

At that moment, hearing his sorrow and utter sincerity as he confessed this to me, I almost told him about my lie. I almost told him that our rent really was twice what he believed it to be. But I didn't. I didn't, because despite everything he'd just said, despite how it rang so terribly true, I could bear to have him live in a shithole. Oh, he could afford to take care of himself. He could pay for his own food and all of his own rent but only in neighborhoods that I'd never want any of my friends to live in.

He'd find out eventually. He had to. But until he did, he'd have this one thing to hold onto. He'd have this one 'normal' thing and it would be a nice, clean, place. A place where there was a basement for his transformations and a park across the way. Not somewhere with filth, poverty, and crime.

"I had no idea." My tone was hollow. "I– I thought it was because you were proud and stubborn."

"I just want to take care of myself," he said earnestly.

I tried to form the words 'I know,' but they simply would not slip past my throat.

"I don't want them to take that from me."

I nodded but couldn't resist going back to what had started all of this. "Okay. I – I can see that but… You have to take better care of yourself."

He smiled ruefully. "It was a mistake to go in. I just– I felt I had to. I…I'm sorry I worried you."

His apology was both a sincere articulation of his regret and his way of telling me that he wasn't planning on repeating the error. When I thanked him it was for that as well as for telling me the truth. He'd been so closed off recently. He'd always been a private person but ever since graduating he'd started holding everything in. It was nice to finally have him tell me what was bothering me, like he'd done at Hogwarts.

"Come on," I stood suddenly, "You're food's getting cold and I'm sure you're still starving."

Smiling, he followed me back into the kitchen.


	3. I Was Worried

Hi everyone! I'm soooooooo soooooooooo sorry for it being such a long time between posts. I don't handle stress very well so when someone broke my driver's window in my 2-month-old car and stole the airbag from my steering wheel, I was a bit thrown and couldn't concentrate very well. As a result, I more or less forgot about updating. *hangs head* I hope you can all forgive me and continue to enjoy the story. Thanks so much for the reviews!

Word of warning: this is not a happy part

**I Was Worried**

"Hey, Sirius," Toby, one of my coworkers, called from behind me as I grabbed my jacket and prepared to go home. "A few of us are heading over to the Grinning Goblin for a late dinner, wanna join us?"

The Grinning Goblin. A combination of anger and disgust settled in the bottom of my stomach. "No, thanks," I smiled, struggling to keep the annoyance out of my voice. Toby, after all, was just being nice. He had no way of knowing that I'd developed an intense dislike for that particular restaurant. "I managed to find a couple minutes to eat and I'm not hungry," I lied easily, despite the fact that I felt as if there was a hole in my stomach.

Toby frowned and gave me an odd look, obviously having picked up some of the irritation in my response. "You don't like the restaurant?" he asked.

"Um…not really. The food's all right, I just…" I wasn't sure what to say, since I couldn't exactly explain it to him.

"It's not 'cause of that lyco, is it?" he grinned. "They don't let him out into the main restaurant – I've just seen him cleaning the loo."

It took all my strength of will to resist the urge to either punch him or pick something up and break it over his head. 'Lyco' was an extremely offensive term for a werewolf, presumably taken from 'lycanthrope'. I'd never heard it until the last couple years at Hogwarts but it seemed to be coming into increasing popularity.

Even before I responded I knew it was a mistake to give into my anger but I couldn't help it. "Yes," I seethed, "Actually it has everything to do with the werewolf they have working there. They treat him like he's not human and I will not support an establishment that does that."

Toby was completely taken aback. "They don't treat him so bad. I mean, what are they supposed to do? Have him wait tables? Besides, it's better than his kind should expect."

Punching him would not be worth the trouble it would cause but it would have done wonders for my mood. What was wrong with people? How could they be so blind and ignorant? "His kind?" I repeated. "Werewolves are nothing more than people who've been infected with a sickness that we probably could have cured or at least made more bearable if we cared enough to try."

Toby looked completely flabbergasted and didn't know what to say.

Taking advantage of his hesitation, I bid him a curt goodnight and Apparated to James' parents' house, where my friend was staying until the wedding. Although we were both pretty busy with our respective jobs we still made a point of seeing each other a couple times a week. Tonight we'd decided to go out and have dinner. We'd invited Remus to join us but he was working all of the time now and never had any free time.

"Hey," James greeted me with a smile and a friendly slap to the shoulder. "How's it going?"

Sighing, I threw my jacket on his bed. "Hi."

"What's wrong?" he asked, brow furrowing.

"I just– I had a disagreement with someone at work, that's all."

"Right." He clearly knew there was more to it but had learned not to press and I appreciated him for it. "Well, I'm starving, so where do you want to go for dinner?"

Dinner. "I don't care." Anywhere but the Grinning Goblin.

"How about one of the places close to the Ministry? I've been wanting to try the G–"

I grimaced, not believing my luck, but smiled a little when James gave me an odd look and finished. "The Golden Spoon."

"Oh. I thought–" Never mind. It didn't matter. I was just frustrated. "Okay, that's fine. I haven't been there but I've heard they have good food. Do you mind if we Apparate to the park and then walk the rest of the way? I need to clear my head."

James shook his head, "No problem, mate."

As it turned out, Apparating to the park was a bad idea. I'd failed to take into consideration that from there we'd have to pass the Grinning Goblin to get to the Golden Spoon. Even though it was buzzing with people and I hurried our pace, I couldn't avoid seeing the arched entranceway of the large statue of a goblin that'd been enchanted to change facial expressions.

I couldn't help but wonder what they had Remus doing right now. It pained me to think of him cleaning lavatories while wizards with a tenth of his education were employed at the Ministry, not two blocks away. I'd only discovered that he worked there by accident and most of the time I wished I hadn't.

The subsection of the Ministry department that I worked in was a small, friendly group. We always went out to celebrate each other's birthdays. A couple of weeks ago one of my coworkers had turned twenty-five and he had asked that we take him to the Grinning Goblin.

After lunch I had excused myself to use the bathroom. The sight that had greeted me upon entering had caused me to stop so abruptly that the door had hit my back as it shut with a dull thud behind me. Remus. Remus, dressed in the pale green outfit the restaurant workers wore and cleaning a toilet by hand because the Ministry strictly regulated the use of magic by employees doing menial work. It was because the people who were hired for these jobs typically had not graduated from any magic school and it was safer to restrict their use of magic on the job than risk them botching the spells. But to see _Remus_ doing _that_ had been like a blow to my stomach. Was _this_ the reason he'd studied so hard for the NEWTs? Was _this_ his reward for ranking third in our graduating class?

Not wanting to be confronted with his embarrassment at my finding him like that, I'd quietly left the lavatory without using it. When I'd returned to my coworkers I'd been so distracted, so melancholy, that even they, they who barely knew me, noticed my change in mood. They'd questioned me, asked me what was wrong, but I hadn't said anything. The rest of the day had been a useless, trivial blur of sound and color.

Was that what my friend had to look forward to? A lifetime of working as nothing more than someone who scrubbed grime from urinals? Was he supposed to clean muddy floors until he was graying and wrinkled, his body broken from years of brutal transformations and unforgiving labor? How could this be what seven years at Hogwarts had led him to? How could this be what our _world_ had led him to? And why didn't anyone care?

What had happened that night when Remus returned from work had made me feel worse. I'd left as quietly as I possibly could but he had obviously seen me because he'd still been dressed in his restaurant uniform. He'd never come home in it before. Hesitantly, I'd met his gaze as he dropped his things on the floor and stood facing me. There'd been such shame in the seemingly endless pools of green sadness that it'd practically leapt across the distance that separated us.

"It's not as bad as you think," he'd assured me. "The owners are really very nice. It's just while I find a better job." I hadn't known if he'd been lying to me or himself but a coldness clutched my body when I realized that Remus didn't really believe he'd ever find a 'better' job. "I-I need the money and…they _are_ kind." I'd wanted to close my eyes at his faltering, at the pleading that was evident in his tone. His desperate need to defend himself had left me full of such bitter sorrow. Had he truly thought I'd think badly of him because of what he was doing?

"You don't have to justify this to me, Remus," I'd responded, voice low and sad.

We hadn't spoken another word until we had breakfast together the next morning but the look in his eyes had stayed with me for a long time. No one who had gone through everything Remus had gone through should have felt so humiliated for doing something he felt he had to do to survive.

In the weeks that had followed I'd often thought of his insistence that his bosses were 'nice' and 'kind'. I couldn't help but wonder that if that was true, why didn't they let him work the counter? Why didn't they let him wait tables? Why did they keep their werewolf as hidden away as possible? Why didn't they pay him minimum wage and overtime, despite the fact that the law did not demand it of them? Why did it seem like that job was breaking his spirit one excruciating piece at a time? Why did he look wearier every time he returned from it?

I'd seen him walk, with quiet fear and unhappy acceptance, toward a fate that some cruel twist of chance and destiny had seen fit to make him endure, month after month. I'd watched him struggle with the painful inevitability of his curse and the toll it took on his body. I'd seen the scars and fatigue, the way his eyes would fly open, pale and frantic, when he awoke from a nightmare that he could not control or forget. I'd listened as he'd tried to understand the hatred of those who feared and made life so difficult for him. I'd stared helplessly when he'd asked me _why_, why people had to be that way. But I had never seen him look as defeated and tired as he did when returning from another long day at work.

"Sirius?"

"Huh? What?" I asked, forcing myself back to the present and to James, who was looking at me expectantly.

"Do we want to sit _outside_ or _inside_?" he questioned slowly, giving me the impression he'd already asked several times.

Outside or inside? I looked around. We were inside the Golden Spoon and a hostess was waiting to seat us. She was clearly annoyed by the delay. I hadn't even noticed that we'd arrived.

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

"Inside then," James said and I caught the apologetic smile he gave as she turned and led us to a table near the back of the restaurant.

Once we were seated and looking at our menus, I made a conscious effort to forget about what had happened at work and not think about Remus and his job. James deserved my full attention and I didn't want to be in a bad mood all evening. Besides, it wasn't as if this was something new. Things had always been difficult for Remus.

* * *

It was nearly nine o'clock by the time I finished up at the Ministry and made it back home. It was silent in the flat but I was used to that. Remus hardly ever spent time here anymore. I missed him. Between our busy schedules – though he worked much longer and harder hours than I did – we barely saw one another. I sighed. Sometimes it would have been nice to return and not find the place deserted. It was beginning to feel like I didn't even have a flatmate.

Tiredly I headed to my bedroom to pull off my shoes and change into more comfortable clothes. It had been a long day of endless paperwork and I was stiff from sitting for stretches of hours at a time. After splashing cold water onto my face in the loo and freshening up a bit, I realized I was hungry. Meandering my way down the hallway that separated the bedrooms from the living room and kitchen, I frowned when I thought I heard something. Before I could decide whether my mind was playing tricks on me the crash of shattering glass hastened my footsteps.

Perhaps he was home after all.

"Remus?" I called, faltering as I entered the kitchen to the smell of liquor and urine and stopping completely when I saw my friend sitting at the table, an open bottle of firewhiskey in his hand and the broken pieces of another covering the floor.

He was silently and morosely staring at the bottle he held, eyes despondent, fathomless, and virtually unblinking. At first I was too dumbfounded for words or even thoughts. It took me a seemingly endless amount of time to consciously realize that Remus had been and still was drinking because…Remus simply _didn't_ do that. He disapproved of it intensely, sent James and I reproving glares when he knew we'd had even a little, and had often mentioned his inability to understand why people got drunk.

"Remus?" I whispered, forcing myself to move so that I was standing opposite his position at the table. "What happened?" I couldn't conjure a situation that would lead him to drink, at least not one that didn't involve someone switching glasses and tricking him into it.

Slowly, Remus lifted his head and looked at me. I got the impression he hadn't registered my presence until then. "I don't know if I can take it anymore, Sirius. I don't know if I can do this," he confessed miserably, the bottle of firewhiskey swaying slightly in his grip, the reek of alcohol reaching my nose as soon as his lips parted.

"Take what?" I breathed, leaning forward and watching him from across the table.

His eyes drifted shut. "Them. People. I try. I work so hard. I do. I swear I do. And I'm quiet and I never say anything to them or draw attention to myself but it doesn't matter." Now that he'd started, the words tumbled out unsteadily and with a hint of growing desperation. "They're supposed to leave me tips for cleaning the lavatories but most of them don't. Or if they do they drop the coins into the toilet, expecting me to pull them out. They don't greet me or thank me. I either don't exist or am there to insult and sneer at.

"A little boy came in once while I was cleaning and his mum followed a few moments later, pulling him out like she was afraid I'd attack him. So many people see that I've just finished cleaning and make a mess just so that I'll have to do everything all over again." He shook his head and took a sip of the firewhiskey, grimacing as he swallowed.

"I clean the whole restaurant, you know," he nodded at me, "Not just the lavatories. Sometimes the cooks are still there when I start in the kitchen. One of them saw me enter and dumped a pot of leftover stew on the floor instead of throwing it away. He walked through it, tracking the food all over the place and stared at me as he left, this taunting look in his eyes."

I tried to swallow but my throat was dry. He'd never told me things were so difficult at work. No wonder he always looked physically and emotionally drained when he returned. "But…how do they know?" I remembered Toby from the Ministry. He hadn't called Remus by name and probably wouldn't even if he knew it but he _was_ aware there was a 'lyco' working there. I hadn't wondered at the time, I'm been too angry, but it was strange that it hadn't occurred to me since then.

His eyes drifted open and I saw the raw pain in them. "Don't you know? Didn't you see when you ate there? Just like I have to disclose my status when I apply for a job, my employers have to inform their patrons that they have a werewolf working on the premises. That's why no one'll hire me. They're afraid it'll scare off business."

No. No, I hadn't known, hadn't noticed when I'd eaten there.

"I don't wear a tag but they know. They see my scars and they know. And word spreads. Everyone knows who I am if they eat or work there. I thought it wouldn't be so bad," he laughed bitterly. "I thought I could stand it. I've gone through so much worse but this is never ending, and it's everyday, and I never get so much as a friendly look. And I can't bear that children are pulled away from me, that they're scared. I can't take it, Sirius!" he yelled suddenly, "It's too bloody hard!"

It was only then, after hearing the distraught anger in his raised voice, that it dawned on me that he was drunk. Completely. Because I hadn't noticed that the bottle in his hand was halfway empty, hadn't thought about the fact that there was no firewhiskey on the floor, just glass. I hadn't put it together in my head that there'd been half a bottle left in the one James had given me – the one Remus had surely accidentally knocked off the table – and that he had drunk it all.

He obviously wasn't like James and I when we were drunk – we tended to be overly hyper, talkative, and all around foolish – but the liquor _had_ affected him. It was more difficult to pinpoint how but it seemed to have made things worse. It was as if it had taken everything he had been feeling and intensified it.

"Do you know what someone did to me today?" he continued loudly, urgently. "I was scrubbing a urinal and this man he–" the strength of his emotion seemed to make him choke on the words, causing him to break off and then take another sip, shaking his head. "I wasn't watching him… I wasn't watching…" his tone dropped until it was practically a whisper but when he continued it was at a shout. "I just felt the warmth, the heat, flowing down my neck and the _smell_…it seemed to suffocate me. The filth was all over me and I was so shocked I didn't do anything but I could hear him laughing, just laughing and laughing!"

My hands clenched into fists and I slammed one of them down against the table without meaning to. The pain ran up my arm but I barely felt it. I just… How much more could possibly happen to him? How much more would he have to live through? Why didn't this ever end? And Merlin, what kind of twisted, inhuman person would do that? If the man who had subjected him to that had been there, I would have made him pay. I would have hurt him. In that moment, with the anger boiling in my ears and blood, I would have beaten him into unconsciousness.

"He fucking pissed all over me!" it was an enraged and humiliated shout that sounded almost primal to my ears.

Remus' uncharacteristically harsh language and his fowl description of what had been done to him made me cringe. When I opened my eyes, I found him watching me.

"I just want it to stop. I want it to stop," he went back to murmuring. "I thought this would make it stop," he gestured morosely toward the bottle that he still held in his right hand. "Why do people do this if it doesn't make it better?" he asked pitifully.

I shook my head, not knowing what to say. Instead, I reached forward and gently pulled the firewhiskey from his hand. He didn't resist. Instead he made a lurching and failed attempt to stand. At first I thought he'd simply fallen but when I saw him crouching, facing the floor, and shaking slightly, I suspected he was sick to his stomach. Moments later I heard wracking coughs and heaving gasps and knew he was vomiting.

Setting the bottle down, I quickly knelt next to him, being careful to avoid any broken glass. Placing my hand in his hair and stroking it gently, I took note of how some of the dark blond locks were stuck together and how his clothes smelled of urine. He hadn't taken them off or even cleaned them. He'd just returned to our flat and fallen apart.

Shortly after he stopped trembling, I guided him back to his seat at the table. Within minutes, I found the detoxification potion I'd made a few months ago and urged him to drink it all, which he did wordlessly and without protest. When it began to take effect, rendering him drowsy due to the amount I'd given him, I led him to his bedroom and helped him change into his nightclothes. Then I told him to go to sleep.

I was poised to leave the room when his sleepy but plaintive voice stopped me with a question hat I couldn't answer. "What will make it better?"

"I don't know, Remus," I whispered, closing the door behind me and leaving him to rest while the potion cleared his system. It was then, in the thirty seconds it took me to walk from his room to the kitchen, that I felt afraid. I'd been too numb during the entire liquor-induced conversation to feel much of anything but now my chest tightened and my heart ached with fear.

He'd had a bottle of firewhiskey, having never before tasted so much as a sip of beer, wine, or champagne. He could have made himself seriously ill. What would have happened if I'd come home any later? Would he have drunk until he passed out or…worse? Would he be all right now? What would happen when he woke up and was sober again? What would happen when he quit his job? Would he be able to find another? How would he handle the rest of his life being treated this way? Would things ever be better for him?

My eyes swept over the evidence of Remus' despair. The broken glass. The half empty bottle of firewhiskey. The pinkish vomit. The vile combination of liquor and urine. How had this happened? How had he been driven this far? After everything he'd gone through, why had this made him break in a way that truly frightened me?

Would he be all right?

I didn't know and the uncertainty that question left me with was like a cold piece of ice sinking to the pit of my stomach.

Would he be all right?

Mechanically, I pulled out my wand and murmured a powerful cleaning charm. Within seconds, everything save the alcohol that Remus hadn't finished returned to normal. The mess was gone. Even the smell vanished.

What was I supposed to do? He was my friend but I couldn't change the world for him. I could be there during the full moons, listen when he wanted to talk, take care of him if he stumbled, but I couldn't really change anything. And I had no idea how to make this better.

Why couldn't things be different? _Why couldn't they just be different!?_

Without thinking, I grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey and hurled it against the wall with as much strength as I could muster. It shattered with a sickening crash, littering the floor with glass and sending a stream of reddish-brown liquid down the otherwise white surface.

Damn it!

Sighing, I sunk into the chair Remus had so recently vacated. Lost and helpless, I stayed there staring at the mess I'd made until I lost track of time. At some point I heard Remus come out of his room and take a shower but it wasn't until he hesitantly entered the kitchen that I shook myself from the melancholy stupor of oppressive thoughts that had fallen over me. I did not know what to do to make him feel better but if he wanted to talk I'd listen.

"Be careful of the broken glass," I warned him quietly.

Remus' eyes flickered from the dirty wall to the floor. He seemed confused but did not ask for explanations. Instead, he sat down across from me at the table, focusing intently on his fidgeting hands. I knew immediately that he wanted to say something but didn't know how to begin. The stillness continued for several minutes. Finally, I did my best to help him start. "Are you feeling any better?"

A sigh greeted my inquiry. He smiled sorrowfully. "Yes. Thank you for the detoxification potion. It works very well… I-I never meant for it to go that far. Please believe me."

Of course I believed him. I knew without his saying. "I realize that."

"It was just…so humiliating, Sirius, and after all of the little things I've endured, it was–" He stopped to consider his words. "I never imagined the little things could hurt so much."

Neither had I. Until now. I'd thought about it while he'd been sleeping and thought that maybe I even understood. As a child he'd been confronted with people's capacity for sheer malice when a little boy in elementary school had nearly killed him. At Hogwarts, he had experienced the depths of the Ministry's anti-werewolf legislation when an unregistered werewolf had been executed for unwillingly killing a girl while transformed. Due to a horrible ordeal surrounding the last blue moon, he had realized that what he'd before labeled as evil was but a pale imitation of a darker truth. And while all those things _had_ prepared him for how terrible life as a werewolf could be, they'd prepared him to deal with extremes.

Extremes were painful, and harsh, and incomprehensible, but there was comfort to be derived from knowing they were extremes. The seemingly long months that had passed since graduation had shown him that that was a comfort he could not call upon as a shield against the other countless injustices he'd always known werewolves faced. He'd always known that people didn't have to be evil to be inexplicably heartless. He's always known that people hated him. He'd even _faced_ it. He'd told me himself, had seemed to accept it resignedly.

The difference was that now he was finally confronted with what the world outside of school was like. Now he was experiencing what he'd always known about. And those things that filled the everyday existence of a werewolf, things that had seemed little compared to what he'd already endured, were harder to deal with than he'd ever anticipated. They eroded his spirit because they happened continually. They were things that everyone did. They were countless little barbs that everyday took some of his will to live, that made him look older every time he returned from that dreadful restaurant. They ate at him, gnawed at him, and were inescapable. They weighed down on him in a way he hadn't expected because, quite simply, he hadn't counted on the difference between _knowing_ and _feeling_.

Yes, he had _known_ how difficult it would be to survive as a werewolf in this world, but knowing hadn't made it any easier to deal with. Knowing hadn't made it any less painful. Because _knowing_ he wouldn't be able to find a good job was different from actually dealing with that reality. _Knowing_ that he had no protection as an employee was different than actually being exploited and forced to work to the point of exhaustion just to make the rent. And _knowing_ people hated him, remembering it from his life before Hogwarts and from specific experiences at Hogwarts, was nothing compared to _feeling_ it again everyday.

In a way I'd probably helped to make it worse for him. His childhood had been filled with incidents that exemplified how much people hated him. It had made him afraid of making friends, afraid that they would turn on him if they discovered the truth. But then he'd come to Hogwarts and I, with James' help, had done my best to draw him out of his protective shell. At first he'd been terrified that we'd find out his secret and hate him just like everyone else but we'd shown him that that wasn't true. We'd shown him we really were his friends, that we really did care, and eventually the memories of that hatred had faded in intensity. Perhaps they'd even faded into something he'd believed he'd never again experience personally. Not on a continual basis. One thing was certain. He'd forgotten the agony of what it was like to _always_ feel loathed.

While I would never make the claim that I knew how he felt, I could at least relate because knowing my friend was a werewolf was different than watching him transform and seeing how excruciating it was. Knowing that life would always be hard for him was nothing compared to the hell of actually witnessing it. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for hearing him tell me about everything he had to go through at work. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the image of someone urinating on him, or for the image of seeing him drunk, humiliated, and hopeless because of it. And nothing in the world could make me feel better now that I realized all of this.

"I had no idea things were so bad for you at the restaurant." I said it kindly, with no trace of accusation.

"I didn't want you to know," he admitted. "I never wanted you to see me…in that place. I just… Sirius, I'm so ashamed."

I wanted to prompt him to continue but I forced myself to be patient. He didn't need me to rush him. He needed my understanding. He needed someone to listen to him.

"Ashamed of doing the work I do when I know I could do more if… Ashamed that I've let these things get to me…that sometimes I feel like I used to, like I'm a monster…less than human. It'd been so long, Sirius, so long since _other_ people made me feel that. I've always struggled with it, because I remember what I do as a wolf and it's so hard for me to separate that from me and not feel guilty for it. But it's been years since I've let someone else make me feel inhuman for just being the way I am. And I'm so ashamed of how I reacted to what happened today. I don't know what you must think of me…" He was worried I'd hold him in lower regard, that I was disappointed or sickened.

"Remus…" I struggled for words but every one was clumsy and inadequate. "I _hate_ that you work where you do, doing what you do. I hate that you have to endure _so much_ and that it's so hard for you. I'd change it if I could. I'd change it if I knew how. But don't think that I pity you. You have to realize I…respect you. I don't know if I could stand everything you go through…" I choked on the next words but forced myself to utter them. "You're so much stronger than me."

He smiled then, a true smile that lifted some of the sorrow from my mind. "Thank you," he breathed. "It's not true, but I can tell that you believe it."

It wasn't the response that I wanted but I'd accept it. I was still so very worried about him, about how he was handling everything, but I didn't want to bring him back down to the darkness of the place that had driven him to drink. I was beginning to realize that the only way I'd know if he could handle the continual cruelty was to wait and see. And the only thing I could really do was what I'd been trying to do all along. Be there to help any way I could. Even if it was only to listen to him and take care of him after the full moons.

"What will you do now?" I asked in an attempt to shift his attention to other possibilities and away from what had happened today.

He frowned, clearly not understanding.

"I mean, surely you won't go back to the Grinning Goblin. Where will you look for work?" There had to be _someone_ who'd pay him decently to do skilled work that he was well qualified for.

His eyes dropped and he looked unsure. "I'm not going to quit my job, Sirius."

"What?" I demanded with much more force than I intended due to the sheer force of my disbelief.

He fidgeted. "They'll actually pay me to work, Sirius. They're the only ones I've found so far. And do you really think that it'd be any better going somewhere else?"

An immense wave of sadness descended like a heavy, burdensome veil. I finally understood what I had perhaps been denying since before graduation. Remus had changed. No. That wasn't the right word. Remus had lost himself. Yes. That was it. He'd lost himself. The Remus I'd known for seven years at Hogwarts would not have returned to this job. Or, if he had, it would have been with quiet dignity, having used this experience to renew his strength and resolve. The Remus I knew stumbled, of course, sometimes even fell – like today – but always picked himself up and forced himself to learn from the experience. He never would have accepted that this job was the best he could hope for.

While my previous assumptions were correct, Remus _was_ facing the problem of knowing versus feeling, I'd forgotten to take something into consideration. I'd assumed he'd see all of this and realize he had to change his way of dealing with things to survive. He had to do what he'd always done: be stronger because of the obstacles he'd faced. He had to see the wall that seemed impossible to climb and climb it anyway.

"What's happened to you, Remus?" I wondered aloud.

"What?" he inquired, nonplussed.

"What's happened to you?" I repeated, more loudly this time, having come to a decision. I knew he didn't want to argue with me – after everything that had happened today he was just too tried – but I needed to make him see. I needed him to wake up. "After your mum died you just shut down, pretended not to feel or care. I was happy when you finally admitted that it wasn't working, that emptiness was worse than pain and grief but now… It's as if you're feeling everything and letting it overwhelm you. You used to realize that things are different for you, accept it, and do your best anyway."

He looked as if I'd punched him. "What are you saying? I _am_ doing the best that I can. I know I handled today badly but–"

"I'm not talking about getting drunk," I interrupted, despite the fact that I hated hurting him and that my words were doing just that. "How could you think that I'd blame you for that? What you've been through since graduating is awful and if the same had happened to me I–" I shook my head. "I don't know if I would be able to handle it. But you're not me. And it's not in your nature to just accept that this job – this job that makes you completely miserable – is something you have to do. I know that no matter where you go, things are going to be hard and you'll have to deal with people who won't touch you, won't look you in the eye, but that doesn't mean you can't find something beyond an existence of people urinating on you."

He flinched at my words and shook his head. "Sirius, Sirius…please. Don't."

Hearing him begging me to stop saying these things wounded me more than he'd probably ever realize. I knew what he was thinking. He was weary. He was depressed. He needed my support, my acceptance. He needed what I'd been giving him just a few minutes ago. But I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't let him continue like this. I couldn't let him stay lost.

"The Ministry makes it nearly impossible for you to get a decent job, as does people's bigotry, but you never would have given up before. You told me that you need to pay the rent here because you have to have something normal in your life, you have to know that you can still live despite it all. But you're not doing that, Remus." Why hadn't I seen it before? When he'd told me that? Why had it taken me this long to realize? "You're just existing. You're accepting their rules as if all you can hope for is to be miserable."

"And what I am supposed to do?" he demanded, wounded and disbelieving.

"You're supposed to do what you did at Hogwarts!" I exclaimed. "When all the other headmasters refused to let you in, Dumbledore gave you a chance. You studied hard. You excelled despite what everyone says and thinks. You never let Snape get to you, you never let him bring you down. You struggled and hurt but you _overcame_ it and graduated third in our class. You never just gave up!"

"I'm not giving up now," he insisted. "Why are you doing this?"

"Yes, you are! You are giving up! After seeing what this job has done to you, after falling so low, you're prepared to not make any changes, to just go back and continue this way?" I shook my head. "How is this not giving up?"

He stared at me, silently asking what he'd already said aloud. 'Why are you doing this?'

"Just a few minutes ago you said you were ashamed. Ashamed that you've let people treat you so badly, ashamed that you've let them make you feel like a monster. Now you're ready to simply return to that? To be ashamed for the rest of your life?"

"No," he shook his head. "I wasn't going to– I just–"

"What?" I prompted, ignoring the part of me that just wanted to tell him it was all right, that he'd feel better in the morning and that everything would work out. "What were you going to do to change it? Were you planning to go back and tell the next person who throws their tip in the toilet that they're the inhuman ones? Were you going to look them in the eye and let them see they can't beat you? Or were you just going to keep quiet, keep your head bowed, and try not to let it bother you?"

He didn't answer, but his emerald eyes were filled with distress.

I nodded slowly. "I thought so. You need to get yourself back, Remus. This isn't you. You were never one to just survive. You always overcame everything they threw at you. You accepted the fact that they create barriers in your life but you never accepted the barriers. You succeeded in spite of them. You have to find a way to do that now. Because if you keep doing this, if you keep going to this job and letting everyone break you to pieces, you'll die." I swallowed, feeling a sharp twinge in my chest. "Oh, you'll still be breathing, but they'll be nothing left inside."

My friend bowed his head, looking as if I'd just torn him apart. And in a way I had. But I didn't know what else to do. Hearing him say he was going to go back to work tomorrow had been the plunge of cold water I'd needed. Remus couldn't stay complaisant. He couldn't just stay silent and hope that people would ignore him or that things would change. He couldn't continue this way.

Sighing, I stood up and walked toward the doorway that led to the living room. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I whispered. "Try to understand… I didn't want to hurt you."

* * *

Remus never returned to his room that night, not while I was awake and not after I'd gone to sleep. I knew because everything, including the blankets and pillow he'd left in a tangled mess, was exactly the same as when I'd passed it the previous night. I wasn't sure if he'd stayed at the table or if he'd gone somewhere. I only knew that he wasn't in the flat when I woke up, had breakfast, and left for work.

I spent most of the day wondering where he was and if my words had reached him. I wasn't surprised to find the flat empty and still when I arrived that evening but I was disappointed that he didn't get back before I turned in for the night. I wanted to see him, to see how he was doing, but I had to be patient. I had to wait. Still, I left the door to my bedroom open, hoping to hear him come back.

It was nearly three in the morning when I woke up to see light coming from his room. Groggily, I stumbled out of bed so that I could peer out from my door. He was standing in front of his closet, pulling his nightclothes on. Had he just gotten back? Surely he couldn't have been at work all this time. Even _they_ didn't make him stay so late. Was he avoiding me?

Turning around, I returned to my bed and crawled back into it. I couldn't demand any explanations. I had to wait until he was ready. After what I'd said I understood that he probably didn't want to talk. The truth was a hard thing to hear and blunt honesty without a measure of tact was difficult to accept when one wanted understanding and kindness.

"You were right."

I jumped, eyes snapping open, when Remus' voice crept out of the darkness.

Blinking to clear my vision, I saw that he was standing a few feet from my bed, figure silhouetted against the light coming from his own room. His features were masked in shadow. I couldn't see them well enough to judge his emotions but his tone was empty.

"Somewhere along the way I…lost something. I don't know what it was and…I don't know how to get it back but… I'm trying." Something about the way he spoke, the way he whispered those words, told me to stay silent.

I smiled, though. I hadn't been sure he'd consider what I'd said. I hadn't been sure how he'd take it. I'd thought he might deny my accusations and that things would continue much as they had since graduation. I was glad to hear that something from last night still resonated. I wasn't sure how, exactly, he could regain himself. It would be difficult, and probably slow, but it was something. It was better than before.

"I don't think you'll see me much. Please understand. I need to be alone…to sort everything out. I don't know what to do. Maybe soon I will." He paused, "Goodnight, Sirius." He slipped out of the room and closed the door behind him.

"Goodnight, Remus," I murmured, despite the fact that he wouldn't hear me.

* * *

It had been a week and a half since Remus had come into my room in the middle of the night to tell me he was trying and that I would barely see him. In spite of the warning, I was worried. I hadn't seen him _at all_ since then. I knew he was spending nights at the flat and coming back to get food during the day, but each night he arrived after I'd gone to bed and each morning he left before I got up.

I had no idea how he was doing and I was beginning to fear that he was more lost now than before. I had no basis for this assumption but… Well, I wanted to see him, if only for a few moments. I needed to talk to him, to see if he was okay. After over seven years of living with him, it was hard to be so cut off, especially when I knew he was struggling.

One day during my lunch break I decided to take a walk. Word had spread about the disagreement between Toby and I and it seemed many of them shared his opinion on werewolves because a lot of my coworkers were now avoiding any unnecessary communication. It was more comfortable for me to be alone than to try and socialize with them.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was going – I just wanted some fresh air – and when I took the time to take note of my surroundings I found myself strolling past the Grinning Goblin. I slowed to a stop. I hadn't meant to come this way but now that I was here I couldn't force myself to keep walking. I had to know. I had to know if he was still here.

It was busy, there were many people waiting to be seated and the employee working at the front counter was taking down the names of the parties that had just walked in. Curiously, I looked around for the notice that Remus had spoken of, the one that warned patrons that there was a werewolf working on the premises. There were a lot of witches and wizards blocking my way but as far as I could tell, there was no such sign. Did that mean…?

"Sir?" I looked up to see that I was next in line. Now that the people in front of me had found seats in the waiting area, my view of the woman and the counter she stood behind was unobstructed. She was elderly, probably in her sixties, and was smiling as she patiently waited for me to answer whatever she'd asked me. I scanned the wall behind her but there was nothing about werewolves there.

"One for lunch?" she inquired kindly.

"Er…no," I hesitated. What should I say? "I was wondering… Is Remus Lupin here today?"

She seemed surprised at my question but her manner was still open and friendly. "The werewolf," she shook his head. "I haven't seen him for almost two weeks. Don't know if he got sacked or if he quit but he's not working here anymore. Thank Merlin for that."

Immediately, I felt angry at her last words but before I could reply, she continued. "Poor dear. I'm amazed he lasted for so many months. I wouldn't have stayed as long as he did. Half the time I thought he'd collapse from exhaustion and the other half I worried he'd collapse from the strain of being treated so cruelly."

My mouth was hanging open by the time she finished. I was speechless. I had forgotten that there were some people who actually cared. Usually it seemed like everyone was blind and narrow minded. It was wonderful to be reminded they weren't. Suddenly, I felt a lightness of spirit I'd been missing for a very long time. How strange that amidst so much worry and uncertainty, such a small show of kindness could have such an impact. I almost wanted to hug her for being so thoughtful.

"Are you all right?"

Grinning, I nodded. "Yes, quite. Thank you…thank you."

Quickly, I turned and left the restaurant, my steps more energetic than before I'd entered. I was entirely unable to explain where Remus was spending his days but my brief encounter with my friend's sympathetic coworker lifted a weight from my heart. I felt suddenly hopeful. Surely, Remus could work everything out. Surely, eventually, he'd be okay again.

* * *

I almost came to a complete stop when I entered the kitchen to find Remus sitting at the table, drinking a cup of tea and eating a piece of toast. It'd been two weeks since we'd interacted. "Good morning, Remus," I greeted him warmly, though not entirely without surprise.

"Good morning," he looked up as he replied, readily meeting my gaze.

He wasn't happy, that was apparent. There was something different, though. It took me a few moments to realize what it was. The tired, defeated look I'd grown accustomed to seeing darken his once bright eyes was…gone. And it was amazing how much it changed him. There was still sadness there, turmoil, and great uncertainty, but he was truly _alive_ again. And young. He looked so much younger.

"So… Are you back?"

"Well, I have work in ten minutes but yes…I think you'll be seeing more of me." He slid his fingers around the handle of the mug and brought it to his lips for a short sip. "I'll even be back in time for a late dinner, if you want to wait."

"Of course," I agreed immediately. We hadn't shared a meal together in months.

"There's a little diner close to where my dad lives. I'll be working there temporarily." He smiled. "I've been looking into a lot of jobs. I never told you but… Before, right after we graduated, I applied for jobs that I'd wanted for years. At the Ministry. Jobs that would let me work toward werewolf rights. I was summarily refused. No one would even see me. I… I took it very hard. I felt as if I had no hope of doing anything important."

"So you started trying to find work as an unskilled laborer," I surmised.

"I felt that everything at Hogwarts was a waste. And so I gave up without even realizing it. And now…I don't know how I got here, Sirius. I don't feel like I know myself anymore. I've been in such a dark place." He sighed, pushing his plate of unfinished toast away.

A dark place. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" he repeated. "Sirius, you…made me see the truth. I had stopped trying. Don't apologize. I was so…_angry_ at first. I felt betrayed by you but… If you hadn't said anything, I don't know what would have happened. I owe you…so much. Again."

"No," I shook my head, remembering the last months and how I'd watched Remus slip away without doing anything to stop it. "I…I saw what was happening. Everyday, I saw you come back from work and I saw what it was doing to you. I don't know why it didn't register sooner." If it had, maybe things wouldn't have gotten as bad.

"It doesn't matter. You said something when you had to." He smiled. "Please, Sirius. Don't be sorry."

I nodded. There was no sense in arguing about it. "What will you do, then?"

"I'm not sure. I'll try to find something I enjoy. Maybe when I do, this'll all make sense again. I still feel lost." He glanced at the time. "I should go soon. I want to talk to you about some jobs I've been considering…get your opinion."

"Yeah, sure. Over dinner." I was curious as to where he'd been for the last couple weeks, since I knew he hadn't been at work, but I wouldn't ask and I wasn't sure Remus wanted me to know. Like he said, he'd been in a dark place. What mattered now was that he was finding his way out of it.

"How have you been?" he asked as he collected his plate and mug and stood up.

"Okay. Just the same old routine. Working. Seeing James. It's been quiet." I smiled. "I'm glad you'll be here now."

"I know you went to the Grinning Goblin. I thought something might have come up." He regarded me thoughtfully. Throwing the food into the trash, he turned and placed the plate and mug in the sink.

I frowned. "How did you…?"

"I went in to get my last paycheck yesterday. Marysa told me someone had been there looking for me. You were the only one that ever knew I was there."

"Oh. No, nothing came up." I shrugged. "You told me you weren't going to be around but I hadn't seen you in so long that… I was worried."

"I know. I'm–"

"No," I cut in so firmly that he was clearly taken aback. "Don't say you're sorry. You did what you had to do."

"Yeah," his gaze clouded over. For a few moments he was in a distant place, perhaps remembering whatever he had gone through over the last fortnight. Then, shaking his head, he glanced at the clock again and I smiled. "Go to work, Remus. We'll talk later."

"Have a good day."

"You too," I replied as he Dissapparated.

I smiled. Today was going to be great.


	4. I Was Just Trying to Help

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Celdria, Nina, and shiningdays for your reviews! Here's the next (little) part.

**I Was Just Trying to Help**

He knew. I wasn't sure how it had happened, but he knew. Nothing else could explain the cold fury in his gaze. I had rarely seen him so angry. The vicious emotion darkened his eyes so much so that if he'd been anyone else I would have expected a punch to the face or a diatribe of biting words. He _wasn't_ anyone else, though. He was Remus Lupin and when he spoke it was as coolly and calmly as I expected.

"You lied to me." The accusation was uttered quietly but that did not lessen the ire that underlined his words and I couldn't help but compare them to the gentle ones he'd so recently used to thank me for looking after him following the last full moon.

I swallowed and said nothing. I could not deny it.

"I should have known. I'm so stupid." He took a moment to look at our flat. "No manager would let someone rent a place this nice for as little as you claim we're paying. Not even for a friend. Only an owner could do something like that. I can't believe I fell for it."

"Remus, I–"

He silenced me with a deadly look. "You _know_. You know why this is so important to me. I _told_ you. I told you that this is something I _have_ to do. Even when I find a better job, even if I'm doing something I like, it'll still be the same. I have to take care of myself. I can't let them take that from me. I can't be a burden to anyone."

"You're not–"

"And you sat there and listened to me say that and you didn't tell me. Not even then. How could you?" he demanded, making me realize he was hurt as well as angry, something I'd never wanted or considered.

"I almost did," I confessed earnestly, "But… I just– I know how important it is to you but I knew what would happen when you found out. I knew you'd be angry and–"

"And you didn't want to risk our friendship?" he interrupted yet again. Perhaps that more than anything else demonstrated the strength of his outrage. "Don't you think you would have done our friendship more credit by being honest with me?"

"No. I mean, yes, but that's not what I was going to say. I knew you'd move out as soon as you learned the truth. I was just trying to keep you out of a dump for as long as possible. I wasn't trying to belittle your stance on this. But I know the kinds of places you'll be able to afford and…it's so hard for me to picture you living there." I sighed. "I know you're furious. And I know you have a right to be. I did what I thought was best. And I'm sorry."

"No. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught. You're not sorry for what you did," he stated bluntly.

I bit my lip before conceding the point. "You're right. I'm not sorry for what I did. But I am sorry that it involved lying to you. I knew you'd never let me help you this way."

He shook his head. "Well, you were right. I am moving out. As soon as I can find another place."

"Can't you at least wait until you have a better job?" I tried to reason with him. "I know you're earning more than at the Grinning Goblin but moving right now will take time you could use to–"

"No."

Right. Of course. "Remus, please try and understand why I–"

"Just tell me one thing. How much is the rent, really?"

I suppressed the urge to flinch. He'd let me explain as much as he was willing to. He wasn't going to listen to anymore attempts to justify what I'd done. At least not right now. The anger was too fresh. He didn't want to deal with me any more than he had to right now. "Twice as much as what I told you."

He closed his eyes briefly, seeming to collect himself. When he spoke again he sounded very tired. "I'll let you know when I'll be moving out." Then he was gone and as the small pop resounded in the otherwise silent room I found myself wondering when I would see him and how long it would take to regain the footing I knew I'd just lost.

* * *

I wanted to help him move but he refused my offer almost before I finished making it. We'd barely spoken more than four words to each other since our discussion after he'd discovered the truth. I still didn't know how he'd realized my lie. It didn't really matter, though. He knew and the charade was over. Although I didn't regret what I'd done, I _was_ left wondering how long he'd keep this anger in his heart. I knew that eventually he'd forgive me but hated to think of the many weeks that would take and how hard it would be in the meantime. He was one of my closest friends. No one could listen the way he could. I would miss him terribly.

Those thoughts stayed in my head during the two hours it took him to pack up his things and move them to whatever place he'd managed to find. I was still surprised he'd done it so quickly. Four days. How had he found a place in only four days?

Knowing he didn't want to see me, I remained in my room as he Apparated back and forth between the two flats. I could hear him struggling with the heavier things – the few pieces of furniture that were his and boxes of books, probably – but forced myself not to renew my offer to help. It would only be denied.

Damn. The only other time our friendship had suffered a serious blow was when I'd betrayed him to Snape. The months following that mistake had been some of the most difficult of my life. I'd wanted nothing more than for him to forgive me and for things to be the way they had been before. Although this didn't really compare to what I'd done then, I felt the same desire to have things be right between us. I also felt an enormous amount of sadness because I'd learned that these things took time. Forgiveness took time and I would have to wait for it.

What if he felt betrayed? Did he still trust me? I wasn't sure and those questions plagued my thoughts. If the answers were what I feared them to be, it'd be a long time before our relationship was mended. But it would be. He would forgive me. Suddenly, it seemed like I was trying to convince myself of that fact. Doubt entered my thoughts. He _would_ forgive me, wouldn't he? If he'd forgiven me for the Prank, he could forgive me for lying to him, right? I'd only done this out of friendship for him. That had to count for something.

Eventually, I became aware of the silence that had fallen over the flat. Was he done? Getting up from my bed, where I'd been lying morosely, staring at the ceiling, I opened the door to my room and walked into his. Expecting to see it empty, I was surprised to find that he hadn't taken the bed. Everything else was gone, leaving the room bare and lonely, but the bed still stood in the corner. Why…?

With a sinking feeling, I understood. When we'd first moved in, Remus had been planning to bring his bed from home. Knowing that the mattress was older than he was, I'd bought him a new one as a graduation present. He, however, hadn't wanted to accept such an expensive gift and had insisted for paying for half of it. Now, considering what had happened with the flat, he probably thought I'd lied to him about how much it had been.

Sighing, I turned to leave the room and nearly ran into Remus, who was standing in the doorway. "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were gone."

"I came back to say goodbye." He was still livid. It didn't touch his voice but I could see it in his eyes.

I felt a stab of apprehension. 'Say goodbye.' That sounded very final. I swallowed and nodded glumly. Then, before he could leave, I blurted out, "Please take the bed. I– I didn't lie to you. I paid the price I told you."

Remus seemed surprised and I wondered, with a sinking sensation, just how much of the things I'd told him since graduation he was now doubting. "I didn't think you had. That's not why I'm leaving it." His tone was reassuring. I'd forgotten how considerate he could be, even when he was displeased.

I frowned. "Then why? It's yours."

"It's just…" he sighed and blushed. "It's too big," he finally admitted.

"What?" I repeated without thinking and then wished I could take the inane question back. It was a queen-sized bed. He was probably now living in some sort of studio and couldn't squeeze it in. "Right."

An awkward silence descended between us and I wondered why he didn't just leave. Obviously, he'd taken all of his things and there was no reason to hang around. Studying his closed expression, I thought I saw some hint of uncertainty. Could it be that he didn't know what note to leave this on? Remus was the kind of person that didn't want others to suffer unnecessarily. Perhaps his anger was battling his dislike of departing so coldly. Or maybe I was just being too hopeful.

I cleared my throat. "If you ever change your mind…" I wasn't sure how he'd take the statement but I had to say it. He needed to know that he was always welcome as my flatmate, that he could come back if anything happened.

He nodded almost imperceptibly. His lips parted but he hesitated, not sure of how to phrase what was on his mind and perhaps not sure if he even wanted to try. "I should go."

"Okay." I said the word so softly that I wasn't certain he would hear it. Damn it. I'd barely see him. I knew that I'd barely see him. At least after the Prank we'd been sharing a dormitory. Now I'd be completely cut off until he saw fit to initiate contact. I didn't even know where he was going to be living. He hadn't told me and I knew that was something I'd have to wait for, assuming he ever wanted me to know.

He shifted, preparing to leave. I couldn't just let him go like this. I just… I wanted him to understand. Even if he didn't approve, I wanted him to understand. "Remus, wait. I–"

Taking a step toward me, he watched me expectantly.

"I…"

"What is it, Sirius?" He encouraged gently, extending his concern even through his anger.

I was undone by his compassion. In spite of the situation he did not want to be mean. Remus did not like causing people turmoil of any kind, not even in anger. "I was just trying to help." It was the simplest way I could put it but it encompassed everything I was trying to convey.

At first my statement seemed to have no effect and I lowered my eyes. Was it worth it? Damaging our friendship to ensure he'd live in a nice home for half a year? I thought about our roomy, well-situated flat and considered the small, deteriorating place he'd probably be living in from now on. It still felt like I had done the right thing.

My attention was drawn to Remus turning away from me to stand by the window. He looked a little tense and remained that way for so long that I almost wished I could retract my sentence. Finally, after a seemingly interminable length of time, he faced me again.

Something in Remus' face had softened. When he answered it was with affection and even gratitude. "I know." And even though he left directly after that, even though I knew he'd probably avoid me for a good long while, something about the wealth of emotion contained in that simple response made me feel better about the rift that had temporarily opened between us. Everything would be all right. I had to trust that everything would be all right.


	5. You Don’t Have to Thank Me For That

Hi! So this is it – the last part of my last fanfiction story. Thank you to marieche and Celdria for reviewing the last part. Hope you enjoy the end and please read the note afterward. Thanks!

**You Don't Have to Thank Me For That / You're Always Welcome**

The soft tap on the door sounded just as I finished eating a quiet dinner alone in the kitchen. Taking my dirty plates and placing them on the counter, I made my way into the living room at a leisurely pace. Not bothering to ask who it was, I pulled the door open to find Remus standing on the other side of it. Even though I hadn't heard so much as a single word from him in the month that had passed since he'd moved out, the first thing that struck me was how odd it was to have him requesting admittance to a place he'd once shared with me. It filled me with a pang of sorrow.

Amid my more than mild surprise at his entirely unexpected visit, I examined his face and could make out only affection and warmth. There was no trace of closely guarded anger, no sign of annoyance, merely open, honest friendship and joy at seeing me.

Too taken aback to offer a response to what appeared to be his sudden forgiveness, I dropped my gaze. He'd lost weight. Normally that would have worried me – it wasn't as if he had much to lose – but it didn't. He looked healthier despite his skinniness. Not only healthier but _happier_. Or perhaps he looked healthier because he was happier. Things had clearly improved for him. I was glad to see it.

He broke the silence. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." Moving to one side, I gestured him in and closed the door behind him.

As he entered the living room I noticed he was carrying a duffle bag. Quietly, he set it aside and took a seat on the couch. After asking if he wanted anything to eat or drink, I joined him.

"You look good," I murmured, not really knowing how to start a conversation.

"I'm doing better," he acknowledged just as softly. "I'm still sorting things out but some stuff has fallen into place. I have a new job."

A new job? James and Lily hadn't mentioned that. Neither had Peter. "Really?"

"I'm writing for the _Weekly Magician_. Mostly political pieces criticizing the Ministry for their lack of response to the threat that Voldemort poses."

"That's wonderful!" I exclaimed earnestly. Remus had always enjoyed writing.

"It's…under a false name," he admitted. "It'd be bad publicity if it came out they had a werewolf working for them. My coworkers are not very supportive or kind but I _enjoy_ my work."

"I – I'm really very glad, Remus. I can't tell you how much." I placed my hand on his shoulder but then removed it, barely having held it there for a second. I wasn't exactly sure how things were between us. The Prank had taught me that forgiveness did not necessarily mean a return to how things had been.

Remus smiled though, happy and reassuring. "Thank you."

I relaxed, some of my uncertainty dissipating.

A moment of silence passed but then I grinned. "Do I get to read your articles?"

"Of course…if you can figure out what name I'm writing under," he replied, sounding surprisingly mischievous.

I chuckled. "Sounds like a challenge."

"It just might be."

We lapsed into what turned out to be comfortable stillness. My heart unclenched minutely. I was happy that things weren't tense or even awkward. I was happy to just see him again and even happier to know he was doing well. That he had forgiven me made me feel warm and content.

"Sirius," he sounded somber. "Thank you for giving me space. I know it was a long time for me to simply disappear."

I shook my head dismissively. "I understood. You were angry."

"Yes. I was," he agreed. "But I know you were concerned. James and Lily told me you'd ask them about me. Peter said the same."

I _had_ asked after him, quite frequently. "It was the only way I could find out anything." Being able to hear about him from our mutual friends had made it easier to keep my distance, something that had become increasingly difficult as the full moon approached and I'd pondered what his plans were.

I'd wanted to write him, remind him I was here, but had forced myself to continue waiting. I had lied to him. I had lied to him about something he considered vitally important. I had to accept the consequences of my decision. Even if it was difficult. He already knew he could always count on me during the full moons. If he wanted my companionship, my help, he'd seek me out.

He nodded. "I didn't want to say something to you that I would regret later. I wanted to write but…I'm not like you." He sounded pained.

I frowned. I didn't understand.

"You've forgiven me for a lot. I should have extended the same courtesy." He sighed, sounding overly remorseful.

"Forgiven you for…" I repeated, puzzled. "What? You've never done anything that needed forgiveness."

"Oh Sirius," he whispered sadly. "I've done so much. I nearly killed you after the Prank, and then again during seventh year and–"

A familiar sense of exasperation and sadness filled me, leading me to interrupt him. "The _wolf_ nearly killed me after the Prank and what happened seventh year was hardly your fault! It was the blue moon."

He sighed again. "I know you think I'm not to blame. You let go of things so easily. I wish I could be like that," he lamented wistfully. "I allow things to hurt me too easily. You've done so much. I shouldn't have…"

I swallowed at the vulnerability I could hear in his words. He did this too much, held regret for things he shouldn't. "You were right to be angry."

"Yes, but not for so long." He shook his head. "I understand now. I want you to know I understand why you lied to me. And I've come to appreciate it more than you'll ever know. I mean…I think it was the wrong thing for you to do but when I realize that you only did it out of friendship for me, out of concern, it's difficult to feel anything but gratitude." He leaned forward to touch my arm lightly. "Thank you."

I knew he wasn't thanking me for deceiving him. He wasn't telling me what I'd done was all right. He was just extending his gratitude for what had spurred me to lie to him: my friendship. "You don't have to thank me for that," I whispered, knowing I was lucky to have a friend that would forgive me for an action that had angered him immensely simply because the motive behind it was pure.

"I know. But I want to."

I didn't respond but our eyes met and we both smiled.

We remained quiet until I remembered something that had come to mind when he'd told me about his new job. "Have you let James and Lily know where you're working? I don't think they–"

He raised a hand to stop my words. "I asked them not to say anything. I wanted to tell you," he explained.

I smiled at that but didn't respond verbally. I was quite ready to ease into another silence but this time it was Remus who broke it by making a sudden announcement while eyeing me. "Tonight's the full moon."

I gave him an incredulous look. "You think I don't know that?"

Seven years ago I had promised to spend the full moons with him. I'd been extraordinarily melancholy for most of the day thinking that tonight would be the first transformations I'd missed since the aftermath of the Prank. Where was he going to spend them? Would anyone be there to help him afterward?

Last week I'd discovered that he'd made arrangements of some sort. Sensing my concern, James had told me that he, Lily, and Peter had offered their assistance only to have him rebuff them, saying he had somewhere to go. Although he hadn't elaborated, he had assured them it was _not_ the cage in his father's home. I had been both relieved and sad that I'd have no part in it. I'd been at his side during almost all of the full moons for so many years that it felt wrong to know he was suffering and not be there to help. It felt wrong to know that no matter where he was going, he'd probably be alone. After all, there weren't many people that could transform and keep him company.

These thoughts had plagued me for most of the day. Even now I wondered what his plans were.

He shrugged, seeming a little uncomfortable. He wasn't looking at me and when I followed his eyes I saw he was staring at his duffle bag. I hadn't thought about it before but now I realized what it was, or rather, what it had to be. A change of clothes. He wanted to spend the night _here_. He'd told James and Lily he had somewhere to go and that place was _here_. Why was he nervous though? He couldn't possibly think I'd refuse. Or had he expected me to offer before now?

"Can I stay here?" He met my gaze again. I couldn't determine why he was unsure.

"That's not something you ever have to ask me. The answer will always be yes." I replied readily, hoping he'd hear the utter sincerity in the statement.

He let out a barely audible breath of air. He was obviously relieved.

I couldn't contain my disbelief. "You weren't seriously worried I'd say no…were you?"

"No," he shook his head. "No, of course not. I just… I was concerned you'd think the only reason I came was for that."

Oh. He'd been worried I'd think his forgiveness and apology insincere, nothing more than a way to procure a place to transform in. "I know you better than that." His wanting me to be with him tonight told me his forgiveness was genuine. He'd never allow me to share this trying time if he was still upset.

"I missed you, Sirius," he informed in a tone that made it impossible to doubt his honesty.

"I missed you too," I returned easily. "I'm glad you came. I didn't like the idea of not being there tonight."

He swallowed visibly, eyes shutting briefly. "You must get tired of hearing me thank you. I just don't know what else to say."

"You don't have to say anything…but thank me if you feel you have to. I don't need to hear it but I don't get tired of it either," I assured him.

He nodded, lips forming the words 'thank you' but saying them so softly that the sound didn't even reach my ears.

I looked at the clock. Moonrise wasn't for another couple hours. We had plenty of time. I was glad he'd come early. Even if we didn't speak so much as a single word until tomorrow, it'd be nice to just have him here. Wait. _Tomorrow_. Tomorrow was Monday. My boss would appreciate my letting him know ahead of time that I wasn't coming in.

Standing up, I crossed the living room and opened the window. It was my way of letting my owl know I wanted her to deliver something. Then I grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from the small desk that stood unobtrusively in the corner of the room. Sitting down, I hastily scribbled a note.

_Nigel,_

_I'm sorry for the short notice but something important has come up regarding a friend of mine. I won't be coming in until Tuesday. I can make up the time next Saturday if you'd like. Let me know._

_I hope you've enjoyed your weekend,_

_-Sirius Black_

I waited a moment for the ink to dry and then neatly folded the letter in half twice, writing my supervisor's name on the outside. Then I set it aside, hoping Lyn would return in time to deliver it tonight. My boss was considerably less lenient now that my views on werewolves were common knowledge and he'd realized that all the days I'd ever taken off had been close to a full moon. Things would go better if he had more than same-day's notice.

I was about to stand up when Remus spoke, startling me by the proximity of his voice. He was hovering directly behind me. "Sirius, I didn't mean for you–"

"I know," I interrupted firmly, hoping he wouldn't pursue the matter. He hadn't asked to stay tomorrow but I wasn't going to let him leave in such a weak condition. Realizing my words had been brusque, I softened my tone and repeated them. "I know."

Standing, I turned around to face him.

He seemed ready to persist, to tell me to go to work and not stay behind because of him but then, perhaps realizing it'd be futile to argue with me, he relented with a smile. "I guess there's really only one thing I an say."

I raised my eyebrows in inquiry.

"Thank you," he whispered, pressing a hand to my forearm.

I smiled too. "You're welcome… You're _always_ welcome."

His eyes brightened at the double meaning my words held – that I'd always be glad to help and that he could always come here, regardless of short notice or prior commitments. He was my friend. The full moons were torturously hellish. How could I leave him when he was at his weakest, just to go to work? I couldn't. I wouldn't.

He squeezed my arm, his touch warm against my skin. "I know. I don't deserve it, but I know."

THE END

Vitreous china.

End note: If anyone can guess _why_ the words "vitreous china" are included after the end of this, I will write you a story. In fact, if someone comes up with a _really_ amusing guess, I'll write you a story. Rules: I'll only write a story for one person – either the first person who guesses correctly or the person who's most amusing in their guess. Also, I'll want it to be a short-ish story since I am no longer writing fanfiction. It can be for any fandom I've written in _but_ has to be about at least one of the main characters I've explored. So… For HP, that'd be Sirius and/or Remus. For LotR, it'd be Aragorn and/or Legolas. For SW, Qui-Gon and/or Obi-Wan. Just thought I'd throw it out there 'cause vitreous china has become a inside joke for my roommate and me and it's all because of this one story. Hint: it has to do with the "I Was Worried" part.


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